post-autophagiography-leftovers-2-1

A…N ... taking us beyond ourselves, beyond thought, in the Al di la... This being said I will hear this right now! i.e. (commentary) do we? Of course we don't give up commentary! We just need to finish Autophagiography first, final touches on SC. Then the freedom of the next ;-) Another small leap! The little helpers at gnOme are fast too: http://gnomebooks.wordpress.com/2014/06/0 5/autophagiography/ … N, you know I get instantly whatever Gnome is posting ;) setting from before I met you! Autophagic kisses (don't know how they manifest..) That is weird. We are eating each other, but something else also seems to be eating us, eating our eating! I hope you like 'verminous'... which I added to the description after your LC thoughts this morning, also echoes of Hrundi and Eriugena for those in the know... I have been in contact with gnOme people for a while, they also have sent ET stuff, soliciting our invovlement. perfect diy model pub model! Yeah, actually ET could have made the blurb if it all hadn't been so melodramatically obvious... Sigh! 2

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I like this paf rule 'the doer decides'. Verminous yes :) my phone wants to write vermicular phone intelligence has incorporated Hrundi! And nobody can convince me that one of the Gnome people is not You! ;) truth stranger than fiction. vermicular is better i think, no? more vermiform, less infested Ah, never mind any blurbs really, I am wordless with regard to reviews of this impossible book! It was the plain truth that my keyboard predicted this. In some cases I listen to it, it's well versed. But looking carefully at meanings.. .. it works as well. I have a collection from Hrundi starting with tortuous and never ending ;) I leave to you the final decision! In other words, yeah better the form that the infestation aspect. Which is there too, hopefully we don't spread this terrible N-A-virus! Ok, we seek no blurbs and simply serve the dish to the lost world. Smart keyboard and smarter intelligence that mentioned it. Oh, I wanna abandon myself to better intelligences that could write this Bezna text that almost stagnates... Just wrote an email that did not fit here... It's Slime Heart's fault, I had to ask :) Leaping around, A 3

A…N Hope you still hold my hand after asking such stupidity! I am totally not interested in any answer, just ignore it. I trust you and... ... that's all that matters. Plus I meant it that it's better like this, I don't fool around. Rain of harmless friendly kisses I think the book is really suspended on the broken bridge of sighs, the feeling of your last email makes me want to drown in silence... May sound silly but I need to protect myself. I don't think you can help, you are already safe, smiling from the other side. I need more time and maybe to impose a practice on myself. I hope you can understand, you are my capra-friend. With all affection, A I will understand whatever you need me too. No rush on anything. Without a clue as to my side! With Love, N I just noticed that our first book is already a popular and successful title on FB! ;-) An alphabet of them from an A … up to an N up to their Necks. As a lover of courtly love, I hope it is filled with code and intrigue and And allusion and acrostic. From A to N: that is 14 lines, btw, so I expect to see it!" ;-) 4

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Always holding hands! Love, A... Forever. From peak to abyss, upon ground and in sky, everywhere in between and al di la! Always, N Silence still abundant, hyperclarity in the bubble-sigh, floating on its impasse. Embraces, A Traveling the path of determination-without-me, refreshed in the coolness between flame and fire. Kiss of liquid sunlight, N Seems I may have sent extra sunlight, as now my car battery is drained at autostop in Limbo, USA. Sfanta A say a prayer ;-) It worked! Instant results! With you in every instant, as my prayer. Words are failing, failing... You cannot know, or you do... Drive, drive, distance is illusion, you'll get there in a long instant-kiss Still flying in the endless instant. I hope A's travels today are as beautifully and astonishingly swift! Bird in camouflage, planting evil seeds, making things horrorish around here - she drinks from some forgotten self-potion. Happy flying! 5

A…N Playing part of black swan in accelerating red shoes? Good that bird is also her own camo, flying safe within the body's feather mask! ;-) Blac(n)k swan like the event beyond probability... Not accelerating anything but the nothing of myself, really. My life lives without... My pleasure for abstract thinking & useless speculation will save my feathers tomorrow. Hope Capra arrived well! Love, A The unstopping shock of its never having been otherwise (life without life). Stop the world and let the inexistent off! Almost in KY ... 1200km later! No distance. Abbracci fortissimi, N Bird has prevaled! Kisses, A Joy! With you always in happy torturous love, N Always, always with and near you on the tortuous traces of this torturous love-without-us, A N, dear, I would like to say something but I am too indefinite to myself. Hope you are resting in the crystal cave. Love, A Bowing to your indefiniteness! Mad Capra has also been climbing unsayingly all day higher into the crystal cave. Love N ...falling into moonlEYEt, moth-thoughts scanning night for way to die in the glow... 6

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 A moth sprouted from air, the touch of her wings evaporating into a heterophony of N-thoughts, thoughtlessly devoured by my ear-mouth (real) Hope Capra is leaping higher and higher today! Ever hyperempathic, A Airborne saint bird flu plus mad capra disease mutates into viral authophagy of head into starlit crystal cave. Feeling past feeling, always feeling more and more by oh-so-gently abandoning the need to feel. Kiss, N Again captive within social situations where I leave my presence work by itself... I wish I could run away in an instant and be near you. Our intelligent disease is dissolving us in teleosmosis. Dramatic voidal proteins, each other's endo-fossils, polysensory bio-traps... I am flying on night's moth-wings into your arms, under your skin, back to where I always was. Acute lunar symptoms. Baci, A 'I am' singing-drowning in paradisical sensory anagogic excess of your sweet word-poisons, now secretly falling prostrate in prayer for ... Spontaneously thieving myself into new leaps dynamic waiting for whatever awaits you atop the spiral. Slinkily, N 7

A…N Buna dimineata, capra-toy! Will practice dynamic waiting, waiting... Are you going climbing? Here more lectures, seminars... Embraces, A Good morning A! I climbed last two days at the Red River Gorge and will climb more on Fri. Beautiful overhanging sandstone ... ..on which there is barely time to think, just move efficiently before the claws give out. I hope all the intellectual activities are ... ... proving fun and that the crystal bird hops among them all stealing the choicest thoughtmorsels for herself! ps Tuck me into the fascia where you hide, hide me amid tissues into which the universe cries, sigh me into the tendons wherein all is tied. Dear N, here also not so much time for the thinking I need. Bird is picking really few morsels, nothing is enough (both senses)... I need solitude more than ever.. I've never been so self-sufficient & am scared of myself. Or too much elan, reality does not keep pace... Bird arrived home and she feels she was in a cage... As if someone tied her wings. I understand more than ever the dangers of academia... I want to scream you inside me, to spook distance, to spit desires at my inner void. I am 8

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 nothing and you more than near, more than myself. It's a miracle that we ate each other. Never want to stop this sweetest feeding. This is not poison, it's honest. Strongest embraces, A ps: Red River Gorge looks fabulous, very happy for Capra. Bird now swooning gently into crystal sleep. Noapte buna! Ours is the mirror-feast, endless mutual sweetness of consuming honesty: "that crystallized void that has in itself enough space to go ever ceaselessly forward: for mirror is the deepest space that exists. And it is a magic thing: whoever has a broken piece can go with it to meditate in the desert" AV. So again I give you myself, freely inside your scream, nearer to you than my nearness to me in this desert. Sogni d'oro! Forever in this miracle, N Buna dimineata Sfanta A! The curious little boy in me wants to know, did you have magical mad dreams last night too? Wishing you all joy, N Bună dimineața! Yes, hypermad, really scary as well, weird... Kiss, A Cf. "All in a single dizziness. And the sweetness is such that it causes an unbearable itch in the soul" BL Phantasmatically yours, N 9

A…N I also thought of you while reading that passage... Here intensive discussions, I keep you silently inside... "I’m no more than a comma in life. I who am a colon. Thou, thou art my exclamation. I breathe myself thee." CL (BL) Embraces, LC Intense relaxation here, bookstores and movie theaters. I keep you in silence. Abbracci! N My way of intense relaxation will be to read from SuD, I continue eating both of us, thoroughly. More more than near, A Perfect. As you munch on ME as NM, I AM patiently feasting on CL as LC. And vice-versa etc. We will meet as zero/all in the center... ...neither oneself nor someone else. Baci autofagi, N. ps I will be back in NYC next Fri and ready for Autophagiography midwifery. ;-) I was just now in my room, escaping the group to see the climb route. She is amazing!!! As the video itself! I am a bit dizzy now that I imagined Capra climbing this route... Who knows what I will dream tonight?! Was thinking after these days of... .. silence maybe we have once and only once a Skype meeting... What do you think? I can give up the idea instantly if you don't want. 10

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I don't know why I said this really it seems alien to myself as well... Maybe it's nonsense and I am drunk with this weird moment... Of course. I would love to talk as close as possible to face to face with you. Next weekend? It delights me how guarded you are! :-) Ha, I am hyperscared of this, maybe it's precisely the reason to do it. More videos like this and I will take the plane to NY :) And yes, Destivelle is special, a very natural and beautiful climber, and bold too. The image of her alone on that route struck me somehow. Perfect. Let's scare ourselves to death! ... Find there is zero to fear, which is the true terror, fear-without-us, fear of not being afraid Yes, she is beautiful! Of course I started watching other videos of her climbing... Oh, everything is without-us, we are withoutus... I am scared and I move forward blindly to scare you too. Feeding on fear. I have become what I always was: unpredictable to myself. Decisions decide, actions act. I am still nothing. If we are afraid, let us be as afraid as we are. Without talking us out or into it. I am not afraid to talk to you, even if I tremble. 11

A…N Nothing is the eye of everything. And I also feel similar, ever more surely without myself. Lost and found. Clear and bewildered! Does Sunday work for you? When? Let's tremble to death staring at the screen. Beautiful! No word needed unless it speaks itself Yes, next Sunday the 22 after I get back home. Will also need to hope for Slime-heart to leave the house, as he is still catsitting. Now happily trembling at the thought of trembling! Trembling-entanglement across ocean... Bird flying into slumberland... Crystalkiss Capra's feet follow the sigh across submarine mountains, climbing within aura of crystal bird in the aether sea... Good morning dear A! Capra is running off to the rocks again today, to meet you ever and always in freedom from everything! ;-) Buna dimineața! I thought of Capra in the morning, hope you felt the feather-itch... Have a wonderful climbing day! Embraces, A Of course I did. And last night's dream also included seeing pictures of bird rock climbing, in white. Crystal linen I think. ;-) 12

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I have this strange blind certainty that we feed on each other beyond words, in sweet silence and dreams... Within a world of which this lower one is a vast shadow... You'll climb today without moving at all and I'll be there in this immovable tranquility. Imperceptible leaping. The rock climbs backwardsly Bird facing more PhD horror, two thinkable options more or less impossible: London and Montreal. I had a discussion today that made me understand more what I wish - along with the fact that I'm going there anyway with or without degrees Hope you forgive bird for these useless confessions... They seem to be part of this saintly friendship, I cannot help it. No advice, I know. My ear mouth is yours. Off now to ascend in immovable tranquility. A dopo. Hugs! N Dear N, hope you had a marvelous climbing day! Bird a bit worried tonight, I am eating your tweets as medicine.. Abbracci fortissimi Indeed it was/is marvelous, climbing via immobile tranquility etc. Will post a couple pics to fb. I know that birds like all other entities 13

A…N are capable of worry' it being impossible not to. So I am sending you a special selection of worry less sighs to keep you happy tonight Abandoning to your words.. Would love to see photos! Then bird will sleep and forget all worry.. Sweetest dreams and waking. All is well! Ever, N I fell asleep yesterday, thanks for holding hands.. Has avian magic haunted your dreams? I am there with you. Kiss, A Floating high and deep on the line between sleeping and waking, beyond both, I stir now in birdsong, alive in the world's death. In magic, N Buna Dimineata! Sinking down to the deepest thought-ridge, sliding on its declivities, rising to its lowest points of elevation. I am under the world. Miraculous ascent driven by the overturnings of sigh-strata, magic leaps on trampoline-vowels. The world is behind. In catastrophic magic, A Bună dimineața and volatile embraces! For world has no depth at all, being but a reflection on the surface of the ocean where we swim, image which our sigh-glance pierces. Love It's my first day at home, finally solitude! I'll have to go out in the evening though. Always climbing on each other's nonexistence, A-N 14

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 At home in the Stuttgart castle or Bucharest paradise? I stand with you forever above this world in unfading childhood and ancient love. In Stuttgart castle... I skipped today's activities and stayed alone at home, I'm so happy about it! Are you going climbing today? Always always suspended in the straight diffuse eyebeam (the dark ray of two pupils) where thinking-without-us happens! I too alone with the alone, most marvelous home! And yes, climbing again today after lovely night camping, waking in mist to full moon;-) Wonderful! Am I carried around in this fantastic unreal world of yours? Trembling happily at the thought of our near-face-to-face-experience YES. Our apparent unreality is more real than any world. This hand holding will turn the universe inside out! Talk s(w)oooon Mad, mad, mad! Did you see what Nick Land posted about us? Swoooooooooning Our Autophagiography is as if signed! No I didn't, send link plz. Also, just to confirm, w r skyping next sun, not tomorrow. Let's tear a ( )hole in the world. ;-) No link, twitter, Urban Future.. Didn't you know it was him? The joke... We are in that ()hole already, what to do? Where is the world? Baci 15

A…N Precisely! Yep, knew it was him. Baci Baci N No more world. Noapte buna! ;-) N Still no world. Bună dimineața! Embraces, A Idiorhythmic telepathy, redundance-echo of world's inexistence, if that makes sense! My order of experience was: dream reading message... wake up, find message sent at time of dreaming it. Good morning A! First morning-gesture: grab phone, write to my dear inexistent iso-self across the ocean. I love/live the redundancy-refrain of inexistence We should write a twisted commentary on Levinas: Inexistence and Inexistents :) Sing-song life, al di la-di-da... Mad capra! How much I'd like to be with you in the mountains and how perfect that I cannot because I'm already there... So we are stricken with an altitude sickness that is its own cure, that demands not returning but climbing higher on the alp of recurrence.. ...dying everyday on a new summit a la musk deer, in sweetness of losing the search for what was already found. Still, we will meet ... 16

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 one day in the mountains too! ;-) Absolutely d'acord! I know we will ;) Kiss, A Leaping into the imminent spiral fact of it. Hopelessly happy embraces, N Now I realized what you answered to the joke, comedy of the coup de foudre... My French works better than Italian. Swooning in your arms, A The blow from which nothing will ever recover, or ever want to ... Always climbing-falling with A, N Scared to death by the imminence of falling, by the imminence of climbing. Risking myself & risking naught, in hyperempathy with fear itself What beautifully terrifying fear and fearlessly terrible beauty! Trapped with you in reflection of true hearts to which no harm may come... Cf. "Angela is my vertigo ... It's my mere coincidence that I am I" Breath of Life I was of course intoxicated by Passion and Agua Viva, but Breath of Life, this is the one that is stabbing me. What to do/say? Embraces, N I know perfectly what you mean, we should do smth about it, an autophagic act that has probably already committed itself... I wish I was there with you. We would be incapable of nothing other than swooning, 17

A…N disappearing into the voids of ourselves, holding hands.. What can I say? Your words: intoxication cures itself. (Im)patients irreversibly stabbed, waiting for the auto-healing to topple this world You are like me, reading as risking your (non)life. This is beautiful! Irresistible desire to be there in flesh and blood and fear nothing Obviously we are t/here together as that is precisely what is happening! Desire for flesh and blood is like demand for proof. ... As when I called from Dublin, need to console onself that you I we were inexistently real! No proof necessary, I know! That's why I love the ocean between us ;) I know! Which makes the superficial, the surface, that much more impossibly deep. ;-) Yes, I know! Believe me, I only wish for us the innocence of that call... Nothing more and even nothing at all. Your wish is my command, and vice-versa. Also why I tweeted on May 19: "It cannot be contained. What would we do? Roll around on the floor all day in agony?" Yes, yes! Cannot keep pace with Capra's swift hoof.. And I swear that I have no idea what I/we are doing! I am always behind the doing. 18

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 You are ahead! I am fast, faster than many, but you are faster than yourself. ;-) Tarantella-stricken beings, rejoicing in silent convulsions, always eros - 1, subtracting ourselves from ourselves to find the same.... ... excess of unbearable 0 We are a-head because we lost the measure of head. We play the a-cephalic game outside the time of speed. Alleluia Alleluia "I am going on holiday from myself and letting [our a-head] do the talking. If one day I should read these things...singing crystals" BL Inhuman pace of a climatological heart whose pairshadows look blindly at each other through the mad lens of an infinitely clear ocean I am a comedy to myself. Some hours ago rereading Whitehead on reason and groping in darkness with Peirce, now smiling in happy autophagia The maximum horror is that I know we can mirror each other on any of the registers, even on the rhythm of leaping between them... Horror of philosophy as frivolity of thinking. Kiss, LC 19

A…N Mutual puppet masters and master puppets intelligently entangled in sigh-threads dancing across the sword bridge to paradise--the horror! Winking to you through the mad lens. ;-) Beautiful ligottian horror! The ocean as the holy sword that we keep between us. Untouchable by each other or anything else! Impenetrable sharpness of the pan-touching fourth dimension, imperishable spring of drowning plasmic love. Beloved capra neagra, do you think you would have patience/time to look a bit at my resurrected Dead Thinking if I send it tomorrow evening? Just for English and things that seem too unclear.. Losing myself in plasmic love, A Of course, it will be a pleasure. I need a new assignment. Catching your lost self and letting it carry mine wheresoever it will, CND Totally obvious, but I only now realized the homologous between 3+1 states of matter and four elements. Burning in oceanic liquid coolness N Another occasion of embarrassment on the way... Many sweet AA-CND embraces, wherever they both are and don't know! 20

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 How sweet it is just now is to be with no future and without ever having been. Or, to expire in perfect endless embarrassment of paradise. Today I feel we are on holiday together, from the world, from ourselves... In writing I am quoting you, I am quoting nothing. I am just weaving quotation marks around the nothingness of words I drift and doze on a far away cloud closer than any your eyes can see, gently steered on both sides by lazy angels flying kites"~~~~~~" ...like Christina free to never return... (ch 7, "I answered without hesitation...") How I love CA, how I ate the story of her life! Dizzy heights and loftiest trees await for me in the dream-paradise... Without hesitation, A More than kisses, more than embraces... Swimming into each other as diffuse reciprocal food, autophagic osmosis. Noapte bună! As I am drinking deeply from and swimming far into the sea of our sweet diffusion, infusing you like dark wine.... baiting myself before the shark of your joy. Kiss of the kiss of the kiss, N Capra neagra sighting 21

A…N Ha, I love goats (needless to say)... I am still in the vertigo of the recursive kiss... Bună dimineața! Buon giorno A! Still spiraling in balance to the peak of supreme recursion, drawn by words of whispering abyss into the final mouth. ;-) N_____aaa, I had to stay a bit more silent today, trying to prepare for the final embarrassment... How is Capra? Strongest embraces, A____a Carissima L'Aura, All is well here! Joyful embraces, N p.s. plus extra light swoons of sublime hyperembarrassment, saintly faintings from the hunger of our autophagous feast. dear-dear N, already drowning in hyperembarassment, my thinking is hopelessly disheveled and I want to make myself a good meal. What to do? Nothing to do nor to will. I am hopelessly only feeling thinking.. And finding rest in the sweet embrace of my inexistent dearest friend.. I am always resting with you in thought, word, breath, and step. In paradises of existence, inexistence, neither, and both. Now & forever n ps. Also looking/thinking blindly forward to whatever meal we cook up after A is finished, meal of the meal, second course recursion. ;-) 22

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I will let you devour me - my convoluted thoughts, errors, uncertainties, incapacity to be clear. Plus my great horror of becoming your meal Eater and eaten will be devoured by the meal ...and my horror of being devourer will be eaten by your becoming cook! Sweetest dreams, N Meal served. Sogni d'oro! In autophagic horror and love, A Delighted to just now receive your email. Am going immediately to sleep now so as to resurrect early as possible to read first thing domani! Slight delay in ingesting dead thinking due to technical snags on my mom's machine. Hope to get you comments later today. Buna dimineata! I already sense that I'll cry over your comments... Feel like Pinhead from Hellraiser, why did I get myself into this trouble? Good morning You are too funny! ;-) I see you are reading and guess that any pleasure ended towards the end... I am chopping it again. I just want not to think, more, more! ;-) 23

A…N Half way through the never-ending pleasure! Good thing neither you nor I need to think at all, never have and never will. A presto, n Never ending pleasure of fear and embarrassment ;) Abbracci, A Paradise as perpetual recursive leaping out of tomb, tomb of tomb, tomb of tomb of tomb... dearest N, I am now eating your comments, thanks thanks thanks for spending all this time with my insignificant writing. I am leaping... ... around my computer for joy to have received them. Nobody ever did this for/with me - so light and thorough. Many kisses, swooning, A I will send some suggestions regarding dinner in the next email. Cooking, cooking, I like that too though I'm eating like a bird ;-) My pleasure! Most happy that it coincides with yours too! Marvelous comments! Incredible, you really ate the text... Bird is in paradise, she lost all words... You cannot know but you do... A is bird of paradise, species of one! Speaking of saints, I was just watching doc of A. Boca, whom someone recently told my mom about... Was F_____ interested in him? I recall seeing a picture he posted somewhere. 24

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Yes, I was about to tell you this, he says he would like the link to the doc! He provoked a scandal in Bucharest because of that photo+talk Lots of telepathy here http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nzIGf_7dj04 … Lots of telepathy in the comments... It is scary!!! I had one chapter 'birth-extinction', thought to leave it for autophagia, right decision I don't understand how we 'are not' together. It is a perfect sentence for us playing on earthly meanings that we throw into the dustbin! Finding para-dose, walled garden, in our prison sentence. I look hopelessly forward to advent of clairvoyance, seeing-thinking w/o thought Para-dise! It's odd, 'I think' A's dead thinking silently chewed off a big piece of N today. Abandoned now to glimmer of being a few golden crumbs! ;) N, how is this possible? Food eating the eater! You are feeding upon being eaten - alchemical operation. Lovegold, A Para-dise yes! Well, again, the impossible proves to be inevitable. Eating oneself by being fed. Goats eat everything and birds eat crumbs! Goldlove, N 25

A…N i.e. so there is bound to be nothing left, everything will eaten. ;-) N, I fell asleep against my will that's why no noapte buna. Dreamt that we had first met long long time ago in the mountains... Embraces, A Good morning ALP! I am sure we did, in one or more senses. Yours in the heights, N Buna dimineata! It is 3 AM, isn't it? Bird overslept and now feels very strange.. Jumping into your comments just now. More than yours, A Yep, it is 3. Inexplicable waking up once more to the inexplicable! Nice time for coffee and reading a little CL. ;-) Ha, I wonder what would happen if we were in the same place, what strange rhythms would abduct us... We'll have coffee together. Kiss Perhaps it would be the same, or worse: one always asleep and the other awake, each dreaming-waking the other. Sounds like Ito plot... If both sleep they never wake, if both wake they drop dead! ;-) Perfect horror-love plot. The new ocean would be an impossible dream-wake time. We are absolutely safe ;-) 26

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Insulated from the prison of self-world correlation by a subtle golden space, an impenetrable amniotic time. and now I read: "its invisible but real surrounding--invisible, but there's a skin made of almost nothing encircling the delicate yolk"BoL Preparing more food for Capra - comments on comments. I always felt this nebula of bubblesigh as having an amniotic consistency... aquatic ape, my inner fish, hypersea, amniotic outer space, communicating life-vessels, liquid nothingness... silence, silence... ps: (SF mode) wanted for some time to tell you about Octavia Butler's Parable of the Sower from where I got the hyperempathy - obsession.. amniotic kisses, kisses... Trillions of fathoms deep, so close, seeded by the beyond, hyperventilating with mere thought of it, expiring in desire of nothing ... Distance as utter saturation of union, intoxicating physics, astronomical magnitudes of ethereal intimacy, full suspension in flame... "It's dangerous. You must shut your mouth and say nothing about what you know and what you know is so much, and is so glorious." 27

A…N I am screaming you so loudly that all the youcrumbs lingering outside of me disappear, hiding in my deepest inner ocean where I... ...have already lost myself Devoured crumb of me more myself than I carries the seed of you in all directions of the omnipresent scream. "She is the words I forgot" - Author Happily approaching the moment of having eaten all of your comments! Now hyperempathic with 'will lacking itself in relation to nothing' Super. Having re-resurrected myself via nap, I am in precise tune with 'daydreaming to attain reality' ;-) N, thinking of you all the time... I've just accidentally removed 'I' from keyboard predictions while translating the Cotard fragments ;) Perfect. Along with new preposition we must invent new pronoun. Then marry them! I float, I fall, I stand hyperfirmly on all peaks ever ... ... in sight of you. N ps summit as depth-pinnacle of hopelessness and helplessness, point at which mountain vanishes, place of being among clouds. ;-) 28

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I am invisibly swooning within myself... How can I describe? Thought fails. Black-out. Blackinside-out. Hopeless kiss, A Infinite mutual recursion of autophagic question marks & exclamation points. No day passes without impossible unveiling of new nonworlds... Dying to never stop dying, launching all rockets in silent laughter toward most beautiful blackout, total paradise eclipse. Kiss, N Really, don't open the doc, I have changed a lot already. I guess you didn't but wanted to make sure. Te pup, noapte buna, A Ok, will wait. Sogni d'oro! Bună dimineața! Wish you a magical drive back home, I will fly above, always near, you'll only hear my silent crystal wings. Ever yours, A Buna dimineata A! Thank you for this wish. So will I stay in timeless and spaceless proximity to your alpine path today. Always, N Bird leaping, happy, she persuaded the rationalists to have her in, by irrational means of course! it's gonna be subversion, subversion!!! She'll inhale your contagious aura from around Slime Heart, she will devour it... Joyous, joyous! I'll be 2 weeks in Berlin with the gang! 29

A…N I hope Capra is well on his way to the city of horrorlove, I'm there hiding behind every move, eating the road, the distance, biting the air All is indeed well, all the more so with all this hiding eating biting going on! About Berlin, I foresee you there as the resident anaesthesiologist, putting all their reasons to sleep with their own reinjected thoughts, converting the monsters they dream, with heartsyringe in hand, to the purity of your smile. Getting back on the raid Road that is .... Abbracci n Somehow feel you're a bit tired, this is what telepathy tells. Heart-osmosis will suffuse every single cell with heat-energy-overdose. Kiss Overdose received! Now taking a short capranap in order to redistribute the surplus heat and radiate it back to the power of A. dear dear N, I think today the text is finished, nothing, 0. I hope your drive is as silent as my thoughts - with N-A-nothing. With love, A I will enjoy reading it! Another strange and wonderful day here whose little secrets defy expression. In loving silence and silent loving, N ps only an hour away from home in Horrorloveapolis. ;-) 30

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Dear, so swift is Capra! I am working on the Plague, literally, I am preparing it for Bezna. Love Horrorlove(o)polis! Baci e abbracci, A Hope you are already back home, joyous, with cats and everybody around.. I am falling falling.. asleep. Noapte buna, A Just arriving this moment! Noapte buna ;-) Bird sending her crystal song to noisy Horrorloveapolis in the hope that its silence will sweeten the ear of the heart... Capra is dancing the tune of it, splashing in sunshine and kicking out all windows so the fearsome heart-noise is heard in the Castle too. p.s. just sent email. Wish you a marvelous day. Smile-kiss, N Mail received. Beautiful... "I feel precisely the same" (A). Will sing your words to accompany the no-one of myself... Kisswoon My day is marvelous because of your email. Listening to Al di là, swooning infinitely. Always your friend & more (there's no name for it), A A__N_____, My head spins in perpetual metaspherical Al Di La loop, my heart swims in expanding bliss of our nothingdistance...N____A____ 10h A__N____A__N____A__N____A__N____ 31

A…N A__N____A__N____A__N____A__N____ A__N____A__N____A__N____A__N____ A__N____A__N____A__N____A__N____ A__N____A__N____ With you in paradise! Sogni d'oro, A__N_ Sweetest dreams! N_A... Sweetest dreams! N_A... A blazing pink dawn and cooing of doves affirm the morning oracle: "For thy livelihood, make no useless thought." Buna dimineata! "Braindead but soulstormed. Last breath comes back to haunt you in the form of a cyclone. The outburst of the NO(W)." Bună dimineața! I am looking straight into your eyes (in SC), EYE of the storm. Also adding a little to the text, to be sent shortly. ;-) Here is a photograph you may not have seen. I like what is happening with the lights between and above our heads! Torturous intensity of ever collapsing distancetime! Each meter away explodes into HERE, each tick-tock of eternity amplifies the NOW I knew that the photo existed, of course. I was really ashamed...because of its reality outside representation. Halo-rain over our heads! 32

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Halo-rain watering a sweet meal of heart-salad. I like and love how reality never stops being too much. Here is its twin, which was born a moment before. And this is how I ended up (03.06). Sleepless... (to embarrass myself even more) I was writing another one of my confessions but I stopped because I have to prepare a bit for tomorrow. I had a strange day... Always... ...keeping you near! Embraces (stronger than ever), A A! I am rushing to the culinary finish at the moment. Winking through the abyss of holy embarrassment and wishing you sweet rest. N Hope you are having a wonderful evening - I am sure you are! Sogni d'oro, embraces, embraces... Random photo. Forever, N The lovely evening has now come to an end like all others in this temporary world. Slime and I now wind down by watching Don't Deliver Us... ...From Evil. Really there is no reason to say this, other than to say...that I wish you everything! Your happy nothing, N...Buna dimineata ...haunted beyond belief...a domani 33

A…N Kisses kisses... Bună dimineața With open arms I drag my unbearable lightness into another day, embracing the holy pestilence of A. Struck by abyss-pangs of morbid restlessness, I absolve myself in thought of your joy. Hearing the sermon in silence. Your undying pest, N Dear, I more and more feel that anything I do these days is nothing compared to our SC, to our A, to our (non)being together... The no-one of ourselves is the sweetest nothingness. I am lost... Really... What to do? Ocean still there, I more you. Pestilent embraces N, I exhausted myself playing ping pong until now... Joyous to have received the email + photos, how I wish I'd been there.. I will.. ... though we are, we are... Even when I don't write, even if you maybe don't feel it, you are still with me. Always in love... Baci ps: promise to write more tomorrow (today was super busy, it was my turn to cook - see how we are mirroring each other). Sogni d'oro, A Sweet dreams! I am always with you. Torturously hyperempathic goodnight kisses, N Kisses-without-us. How can I kiss myself, kiss nothing? Torturous, torturous... Will I fall asleep tonight? 34

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 What to do indeed. Awake or asleep, I will rest and write with you in bliss-torture/torture-bliss of there being nothing to do. Burning, N Going to sleep now and dragging you with me. See you on the ocean floor. ;-) I am letting myself dragged. Pulled by the chain by which I pulled you, I rise now early, trembling in the black light of our book-body's white depth: Unveiling A-N as each other's reflection in the universe illusion, the whole mirror cooly kisses itself in every autophagic naked syllable. Eyelids touch eyelids, self-kiss eclipse, universe absorbed in the blackbeam of merging pupils. NA particles in absolute entanglement... ... ,infra-idiorrythm. Bună dimineața! Buna dimineata! Just now reading your email form last night and replying. Hoping that the A proof might arrive today. ;-) I have another email on the way, the one I started writing last night before you dragged me to the bottom of the ocean ;) telepathy again/always...a presto Flying with you... Baci, A 35

A…N Mad capra, dearest friend, how on earth did you crack the pestilent code? We thought it would remain secret as the true Bezna is not ready:) Ha! I thought that was the point, to capture the code from the picture as suggested. So the got the app and did it. ;-) typo: So I go the app... Did you not want to share it yet? Lemme know and I can delete. In the mystery of the mystery, N We had to launch smth because we announced and there was the whole setting, church etc so we found this solution... I like it that you... used the app and downloaded it! And yes, this was the idea :) So definitely leave it! I was just surprised... Capra is swift, swift... How I'd love to spend at least a few days with you, even under full surveillance, just to be near, talk, do things... Tortured as usual, A [Capra diem]...As I would with you! It is funny because I thought the same earlier today and also imagined our silence. Sigh, N I imagined taking the necessary torture of surveillance and be absolutely innocent. Just near, doing. All words in that lump in the throat.. Nearer than nearness, too close for this world. And we will be together on All Saints Day! 36

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Sending a small gift via Slime for you and F_____ I-you know (A-N). I didn't realize, yes, 1st nov, All Saints Day, perfect! Today I feel appallingly melodramatic... Hopeless... Slime, happiness-carrier. So overwhelmingly dear Capra, I will be in paradise to touch and keep near anything that comes from you. Leaping! "It is not your fault that nothing will again make sense. But you are to blame that it will now forever appear To be your fault." CC iv I walk every moment in blissful melodramatic paleness...Now running off to take Slime to the airport! Autophagiographic kisses, N Good night dear A. Wishing you perfect joy and rest. A domani, N Forgive me if I said anything poisonous for our already stormed souls... I want this saintly love to be beyond anything I could ever wish. Noapte bună! Forever your autophagous friend, A N, I fell asleep writing to you.. I dreamed I was writing..I dreamed about you, you were present all the time though memory fails me. Kiss Bună dimineața ;) 37

A…N Good morning! The dream-pen ever piercing new holes through which we peep, hideandseek. See lines by Hadewijch, ;-) Our A proof copy is out for delivery today! Will of course send pic whenever it arrives. I sent an email and a little correction. Should I read the whole document once more to see if there are more mistakes? Abbracci, A Ah, now I saw your last message! So happy about it!! Looking forward to the picture... Received! I don't think re-reading the whole text is necessary, esp as we are keeping the little natural 'errors'. I will review layout etc when I get the hardcopy, which is fresher on the eyes. Will also reply to email at some point! Flying ever further in this joyous swoon, N The book looks marvelous! Busy here today. Will be in touch later at next opportunity. Embraces! N N, it looks beautiful. Joyous! Embraces, embraces By this tomorrow we should be in print! Baci, N N, tell me if/what time we can Skype tomorrow... Leaping leaping looking forward to seeing our A ;) 38

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 And happy that you read what I added to DT Love love the DT text. I should be able to skype tomorrow at 10 my time! Hyper abbracci, N That makes me incredibly happy!! I was wondering what you think-feel about it... 10 is 4 pm which is perfect! Lost in your embrace.. Love, A "I wake to feel the fell of the dark, not day" GMH (das Fell = fur) Bună dimineața! 'What sights you, heart, saw; ways you went! And more must, in yet longer light’s delay...' Welcome to this day, dear A! Openly yours, N More telepathy-constellation with GMH. I originally hoped to discuss 'No worst, there is none', across the page from "I wake", for the CoP, This morning the GMH book came to me by sheer chance. I started reading. Then a thought came to me that you also mentioned him in an email. Ever astonished by our telehyperpathy... Hopelessly hovering with you in my wings, A Five volumes of A. ordered for delivery to the castle by 2 July. Climbing ALPine air ...crystal bird + capra neagra = pegasus of paradise! 39

A…N "dream-sages.. who were too wise ever to be born in this waking world" ... ... ... ... Thanks, thanks to the power A+N! On the 2nd of July I will be in Berlin but our newborn (headless) A's will bravely wait for me here. Kiss Starlight weeps without me from eyes that never were, void-sighs shape a mouth that never spoke...Headlessly, N Woops, should I have mailed it to Berlin? I might be able to change as it has not shipped yet. Hmm, I don't know where I am staying in Berlin yet, but I could ask Irina to give me her address if we still can change. What do you think? If you get me the address I can always try, unless you think it is too complicated. I know you will plenty of other material to read! ;-) This song now comes to mind for some reason: http://youtu.be/5PYvqa7DFNc Kisses, N I listened to the song lying on the floor, Bowie, Bowie.. Always more you than myself, in the sweetest torture, A I was lying on the floor with you, and still am. In the middle of writing you an email now. Leaving the 'world', N Also still lying, neither dead nor alive. I am more feeling than ever, fell of feel. Beijos... 40

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 This loving friendship, this death-in-life and lifein-death is indeed a miracle. "Extra happy and excited now, fast as liquid metal flows.. ...Downward he pursues me following him up the mount. I cannot believe the fortune of our playing together here." You are a miracle. I realized there was a kind of music that prevailed over words when we were speaking. I am still floating, bubble-sigh quivering... Senseless note-words that play us, promising to make us simple instruments of uninventable music. Now I recall you saying something... ... time so timid, the world receding from us... Lost, lost in this mad thick sigh-nebula. I am here but no one can find me. ...about this in Bucharest at sigh lecture, hearing music of words? Probably, yes... I remember my understanding of the sigh-lecture was more like a formless form of a feel-cloud. I was floating and... I find you where you uncover me, inside a sigh vaster than the seas. I didn't fit the world anymore or if I did it was in a funny way. Remember when you said it was perfect to sit opposite Bogdan? Oh yes, because you couldn't stop chirping, falling out of yourself in bird-words. ;-) 41

A…N I think that is also why I recommended eating eggs occasionally, to keep a little closer to the body nest. Now getting wisely intoxicated rereading A closely. Finding a few small typos that I will fix asap. Buona notte! Wink-sigh-embrace, n Was writing to you but got an email from B__, I forgot to tell him I am coming only on the 30th and not for Shaviro/Grant lecture tomorrow N, I never am where I am. I always 'am not'. The more in my body, the more you in I, the more out of body the more I in you... And no eggs around, I very rarely eat them but whenever I do I think of you. After the jointsepisode I stopped eating lots of things. Now I am better and I am beginning to eat a bit more... Still mainly bird-food though... Yes, best to 'listen to the body' and not override with silly thought programs. Running off to gym now... ...inventing and forgetting unending new prepositions with each thought-breath of A. Ciao! ;-) Swooning gently in your arms, helpless, hopeless... Buna dimineata! Just writing an email. Always with you, A 42

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Good morning ever-present A! Your neverwithhimself, N In the sun, in the bliss of torture, keeping you inside, taking careless care of this amorphous matter running through me that is you. Kiss Melt me down to gold and powder the gold to dust that I might joyously fall upon you like a shower of sunlight. A presto N N/A, (re)reading, letting myself driven to impossible dream-heights by the irresistible elan of your replEYE. Nearer than nearness, A/N Let the wind blow through your heart . . . Don't you know you're life itself? I let my heart blow through the wind, Dissipate the unshaped germ of soul In the mystical air that you breathe See me hunt every blossom-seed upon your heart's hyper-wild wind -- taste me blood-sweat such perfume of longing as angels will suicide for. how torturous when I see that you are sending poems to.. I want to peel myself away from me, ashamed of my devastating doubts, love pangs... Sending poems? Do you mean my previous message? I leap on words only to say the truth, shameless and certain, pang peeling everything away. 43

A…N no no, not about that, I accidentally opened fb. Please forgive me, I am laughing at the no-one of myself - together with you.. I trust you. Now I wonder what you saw on fb? I certainly write like this only to you! Or sometimes lines that are secretly with/for you in the open! I don't want to be so oversensitive but one small doubt throws me into terrible pains - pains that I fully deserve! I am unbearable at times I know exactly what you mean and of course experience that vertigo in similar forms. That is what it means to be in the mountains together! Oh, it must have been the Byron quote that sent you into a spin! ;-) Yes, the Byron trap... You haven't sent it to me, but it doesn't matter. I hate myself for being like this. I hope I am less than nothing. Well you know very well that 'nigra sum' are words between A and N in Bucharest. And you must forgive me for seeing shades of you everywhere I am just thinking maybe Irina didn't reply to your poems and I did and here is the only difference. I've told you that when I feel this,.. ... I flee forever. I don't need to tell you why, you surely understand this... I don't think you saw any shade of myself. You felt saying this to her. What can I do? Nothing. 44

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 And for the same reason maybe she wouldn't trust you... And this would hurt immensely... I did not say this *to her*, not in the least. Melodrama indeed! N, I trust you even when I have doubts. I cannot not be honest even if trivial melodrama ensues. I hope you forgive me (SC - Absolution!) Absolute absolution in all directions. Uncircumscribable honesty between us. Herewith I preemptively fill all possible spaces for tm with A! What can I say? It is sometimes difficult to use words, I would rather embrace you as strongly as I can. Then you would just feel... And I of course understand how unintended meanings can sting, all the more so when we already feel our everything-nothingness so deeply. We are indeed embracing each other as strongly as possible, squeezing the world to death, so strongly that a tiny grain of sand can pinch! We are, we are! And if anything pinches please say, I know you usually keep it for yourself. Smoothest embraces and hopeless kisses... Holding us in the plenitude of perfect roundness, the pure omnipresent surface and unpierceably tender skin of so-gladly allsuffering love! 45

A…N p.s. that Paris fellow just sent me the Congress recordings. ;-) Yes, quite scary, I act like a mad lover... Ha, Paris! I'm editing Bezna - it will be quite interesting.. Maybe this work got me into tm ;) Editing all day here too. Just listened to bit of sigh lecture -- so much laughter! Happy Beznaing. I know I will eat the whole thing. ;-) And re: tm, I have no doubt or fear that Autophagiography will set everyone straight! Self-eating embraces, N Maybe for our next book, we could invent an open set of 'channels' like voices of different glossators on our visions... ...the TM and AM channels, channel Baroness, LC channel, etc. channeling commentary from al di la into 'heretical' instant kabbalah. So perfect that we are both editing! With bouts of tm (to the power A)... Yes, all channels open! More melodramatic embraces... re: tm What do you mean with our A setting everyone straight? The poetry-confusion? Thought it was clear for those who would get the book ;) Another glorious drop in the infinite ocean of horror-love! 46

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Exactly re: A. Should there be any confusion as to whose blood the poetry belongs to, the wind of the book clears all away in a soulstorm. Re: drop It is my long longing sigh piercing the clouds, falling straight on you. Headlessly yours, A Drop by drop by drop hollowing out the gold of my heart into a cup for A crystal bird saint to drink true wine from. Leap-swoon, N It looks beautiful there. Here cold night. Still recovering from the vertigo. I fell to incredible depths. Fell of darkness, fall... You: A I will fall you to sleep and find you right back on the summit before tomorrow! Blanketing A in perfect gentle heat, N Oh, I totally let myself be fallen to sleep by N... Blanketing myself in the perfect gentle heat of your words. Thanks for this.. Te pup, A Transmitting sweetest dreams in the deepest tomb-kiss of eternal moonlit night. Until the sun returns, N "Elected Silence, sing to me And beat upon my whorled ear,... Share nothing, lips; be lovelydumb... " Breathing a breath of you, A Bună dimineața... Good morning silence-sweetened friend, who so merrily sings the song of our inner flight from 47

A…N this ephemeral existence. Via lucid love, N "That you and I are here is eternity" (Autophagiography, p.69). "Because the dream is already true and real, I am in the middle, with you!" (A, 70). "I am so light, I am so fair", I-aether sift you through my breath, "my meal at every wink", wild N-air. "Fast fold" me into you! N holds A in vast & firmest fastness, prays N-inA across oceans inside her syllables, walks A-inN through the Eden between all thoughts;-) Miraculous A___N_, the silent joy of being now closed in our tomb of paradise (vaster than universe) is incomprehensible. I drown to life.. ...and die to let you drink the infinite surplus of drops from this heart's wine-dark sea. N____A I drink from the double-dark-sea souled-storm wavering waves of everything-nothing. I drink all of the flood fleeing through me, endless... ...in(out)ward breath-spring wafting you outback into my nothing-being, zero-lake of deepest frozen-fears, lovely-numb acquatic.. ... rock-convulsion. In the copious flings of heart-to-heart, N-to-A, ever dried-thirsty flooded-wild N&A. 48

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Concerning yesterday's bout of jealousy, here is tm made into AM: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leave_Her_to_H eaven … And how I felt: ok, reading now! Just sent you an AM email per me, per me, soltanto per me: bliss-pinched in torture-paradise: coincidentia oppositorum of unbearable-to-share + love's self-effacement N, I want to do, not to say, to be there with you (and I am), to bathe in (y)our tears, hold you tight, melt away every trace of pinch... We are indeed molding ourselves into melting into ... far more truly than any words or tears can ever say. I replied to your email. Please forgive me if my words are not delicate enough for this holy vision. I am (am-not) with and around you, A In 20 min I'll go to the city but will have internet from time to time. Crystal kisses-kisses-kisses Delicate and beyond delicate in the divine indelicacy of love-acceleration. I feel you here in all things and now rest in (y)our silence... Urban A! Our beautiful little A is now updated after catching tiniest formal errors, including 'joyjul' on the first page! Now on amazon etc Will of course reply in love-pace/festina lente to your email. Joyously with you always in this 49

A…N impossibly peaceful apocalyptic fire. KISS N Happy to hear about the little healing which makes our A the perfect wound, scar, sewn neckfountain.. Unbearableurban insideswooning, A/N Not sure if changes will make it into the Stuttgart copies, but I can always send more later. Of course you mentioned sewn neckfountain ... ...as I am at this minute about to start writing Vision One. In full heart-osmosis, beginningless inter-transfusion, N/A For a second, looking at the message, I thought you were coming to Stuttgart. Maybe because I had a bit of wine.. Almost fainted. Kisses 16h Ha! Need to figure out how to travel to where I already am. Tasting each drop of your intoxication. Now climbing, in truth of wine, N "Dark Wounds of Light" by and ? N, mad capra, totally curious about the first vision and terribly scared by AP&NM. We can keep it anonymous if you prefer...DWL! Vision is still growing. Will need some days. First words are "Our cruel tormentors..." Prefer not anonymous, unless you feel otherwise. ;-) 50

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Back in Solitude. In the city: omnipotence of thought as usual.. Mi-e foarte foarte dor de tine.. Ok, not anonymous. I don't want anything anything but to (dead)think/write with you and EAT you.. Your autophagous friend, A N, since our Skype-silence-talk I have been tortured "de mille manieres", today is so unbearable... Life lives without me again and again... I fell asleep a bit and was already dreaming about a guillotine.. With the moth-wings of night I fast fold you into me. Buona notte! KISS, A Noapte buna! A domani...kisses n Dear, my words are scarce and poor today. It's raining, more more tears, a feast of drops. I wish you a magical day. I hide in you. Kiss Good morning! Good morning sweet dream of yourself! Life is without itself here too in many ways... I also feel the difficulty of speech and know the pain of being trapped like a reflection in a tear drop. Must write a longer email today. Wishing you all the good and joy in the universe, in pure love, N 51

A…N I feel that my solitude is most abundant while 'living' sculpts me as a ghostly wild animal, always on the run, inconsistent, half-present. I want to hang from the center, bury my head in the axis, and letting everything happen without me. I have never wanted 'a life' less. I let myself blindly moved forward ... sliding on the monotonous boring line (life?). Absolutely absent so that my true real non-I be with you on the cusp (peak-abyss) I am even not hungry, I eat only to feed this life I am indifferent to... Each day is like a short lifetime, ever deepening curse of somnambulistic immortality. And yet I tell myself, things could not better. Perhaps we infected each other with Cotard syndrome. I don't pity myself, no! I'm standing upright through this (even when prostate) as I tell myself: all is perfect. And I laugh tremendously.. Oh, no, there is a long way... Cotard is waiting for us at the end of the spiral - the best we can hope for... Lypomaniacs? Delirious kisses Me neither! There is no possibility of pity or shame. And my silent laughter is so now multiplied by yours! 52

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Or: Ours is a Cotard syndrome where we only hang from each other and everything else has vanished. The malevolent string. NAvel-world. Great, we have a future! Something to look forward to that has already destroyed us! ;-) A heart-hammered sphere, ANvil-world of continually revolving blows, flattening to perfect roundness all protrusions. The personal part of the hammering was difficult yesterday, because H both feels love (and love of love) for you and feels betrayed by me. Which in no way means that things are not well, only that I felt the need to express part of the socalled reality of the situation! ;-) Dear, I understand perfectly. You know I wrote something for H, maybe I sent it I don't remember. This requires an email I guess... Please please I want you too to be happy and together even if this means that I drown in pain and self-pity. She is much braver than I… Of course we all want each of us to be most happy! H wants you to come visit as soon as possible!! ... would ever be. How can I say this? I feel love for her as well, I couldn't lie to her - so what to do when we meet? Drown in tears.. Ps: you two to be happy... 53

A…N And that means precisely that you are as brave as she. And so will I ever remain brave brave brave in our truthful love! Ever drowning, N I hope it went well with her teaching, I wanted to ask but then we drowned in melodrama and forgot! Praying for all of us... Peek-a-boo, peak-abyss! Hiding and seeking itself in our words & silences, love never stops hearing and retweeting our prayers. N to A power And yes I miss you terribly too, and also know that you are near-nearer-than-near, so close to my heart that I am never ever any longer me. Non credevo possible... And I need A to know you already do, that she is so much more than a person to me, and person too!, that my soul will always find you.. Now back to DWL! guillotine-splicing of hearts So unbearably dear N, I had to run to the city again - last day in the theatre! I am with you in every moment, almost melting, crushed... ... by the intensity of NOW. I miss you terribly as well, mi-e dor... Very curious about the DWL. Happy writing! Run run run! Run from and into the timeless trap of N____A___A__N____A in the total unbearable joy I oh-so-bear with each breath for you. 54

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 DWL slow at first because of deep sense of its height. Pneumo-N always breathing at our heart-desk with sighs of A. Hope Capra is not upset with bird because of her stupid idea to send a photo of herself... Never. It is impossible. I want have none of that (being upset) and instantly kick capra from his summit if he ever was. Just replEYEd. ;-) Don't not see my latest tweet. Wind-light embraces, A/N Oh! I stepped a bit back from Twitter but there's always the comeback... I follow you closely! Here goodbye party, life lives... I started reading from The Philosophy of Disenchantment... Here in the middle of 'artistic' debauchery. Always with-with N/A More constellation. I got that book soon before the CoP, have yet to read though as it paled next to EMC, but the Baroness recommends! ;-) Baroness's black eyebeam led me straight to it aftermath of impersonation ... Pupil-to-pupil as usual ;) Slime is also a fan I recall. Wishing utterly sweet acosmic dreams to dearest A, she with whom I am split into ONE. True kiss, N p.s. going climbing all day tomorrow, so expect 55

A…N less letters, louder silence! ;-) Bird is dancing-flying which she hasn't done in a loong time. With N! Sweetest dreams & happy climbing to both of us tomorrow. Kiss of kiss I love that you danced yourself away last night. See you in the heights today, tied together by subtlest bird to goat golden navel thread;-) N, I danced ourselves away, lucid dreamingdancing. I had no internet - I slept in the flat of the theater. Climbing with you! Ever yours, A Feeling more and more unreal, more and more non-existent in this new silent silence... You are nowhere, as I am nowhere too... Toy that forgot its rules for play, life as gameover that starts all over again, ends all over... I love the silence, I love my impotence to find you some-where. You receded like floodwaters sweeping me away... Our world: most perfect.. ... floodsilence. Hopelessly embracing the Nowhere N, it's just been decided (by the decision) that your sigh will 'open' Bezna 5. I love love it, I will fall asleep eating it again...Kiss Joy-sipping your now-here after long long goatlegged day, basking in the senseless enormity, 56

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 saving nothing from floodsilence, the crystALL Leaping, leaping, joyful to know you are more Capra then ever! I will be on the train to Berlin soon, in superabundant silence. Kisses Leaping, leaping, joyful to know you are more Capra then ever! I will be on the train to Berlin soon, in superabundant silence. Kisses Leaping, leaping, joyful to know you are more Capra then ever! I will be on the train to Berlin soon, in superabundant silence. Kisses Accelerating with you into the next primordial gap. See you soon from behind-within the curtain of reason. Tear-kiss drops of silent sighs N Arrived now in Berlin, going to this accelerate launch, going to meet Slime and Irina... Will write soon! Always with-with N/A, kisses Had a nap-dream today of trying to convince Slime of something important, now do not know what it was, or have any clue why I tell you! xoxo N, I miss you so much... I'm still talking the you in my mind. Yesterday I read FS and I couldn't sleep anymore... Everywhere more... constellation.. I met Slime, I feel much closer to him than before - because of you. As if we would share a secret - that was never shared. 57

A…N Hrundi was there too, totally Hrundi indeed. Oh, how much I wish you were here... Although you are, you are too much here, now. Crystal kiss Neat. Say hello to the whole gang for me. And remember that the first thing freedom escapes is the concept of freedom! Love, N Also, looks like Nick L may soon blog about Autopaghiography, so keep eyes peeled for that! Buna dimineata! Bună dimineața! It's 2:50! Nick Land on Autophagiography? Oh, bird is swooning again... Hopeless embraces, A We'll see--the future is unknown! Happy navigation! Abbracci ;-) N Sudden laughter at thought of you-I feeling jealousy all the while stinging others with sweet syllables. Voraciousness of autophagiography! i.e. hopelessly saintly hypocrisy of we who would make everything jealous of us, helpless bragethics of the unbelievably linked. ;-) N/A N, how am I stinging others? Oh, it's torturous to read this, I'm all the time talking to you. I'll now write an email... Ever yours, A I am always your friend and never ever will I go with this rationalism, I hate that it seems so horribly 'fashionable'. Many many embraces! 58

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 You are stinging no one! I was laughing about how our A would make others jealous and yet we too fall into being jealous of others. Winks! n I am heading out to gym at the moment. Ever with you too in total self-eating love. N Happy climbing! I am with you all the time... Kisses kisses N, dear, I am falling falling into the abyss of sleep. I take you with me... Strongest embraces and sogni d'oro, A May it gaze back into you with reflections of utmost paradise! A domani, N Just eating your email now for dessert! Embraces N Happy that you're eating it.. I will slowly eat the 3 books. They are beautiful, I like the edition a lot. Ever yours, A/N I read them in high school during lunch break on continuous days, always eating one orange, and now still always see the colors together NA Good Morning A! Now awake here at 1.30 after restful night of accelerated crystal idiorrhythmia, untranscribed tweet dreamingreading! Joy N Bună dimineața! Hopelessly idiorrythmic... Sighing-smiling, A 59

A…N Really it was too funny of a textual dream: I was reading a long message from you, a little too fast, telling myself while half asleep... ...that I could transcribe it word for word if I wanted to but didn't need to because I could just read it on the computer when I got up! Autophagiography received in Stuttgart by "Ludwig," lit '"famous in war" -- a propitious sign! Ascending the ALP, N H just told me that the Cantos cover painting is in the Gemäldegalerie in Berlin ;-) Imbratisari, n Of course you had a textual dream of myself since I am being thrown headlong in the dry deep-wall-sea of logocentrism.... Totally headless and still hurts. Around: only thoughts that try to teach other thoughts. It's quite spectacular though. Analytic melodrama Ludwig news is perfect! The famous sweet fog of our melee. Not to mention the coincidence of the Cantos cover. Veiled kisses and embraces We are indeed doom-blessed beyond belief. Re: textual dreaming, I also wrote in DWL last night: "In wINK-language our eyes vision-breathed.. ...pure inky significance and total kind of literality that hopelessly exceeded the regular expressiveness of the gaze and somehow insidely 60

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 looked at everything from an other side wherein the blackness of text is not accidental but a direct reflection of that fact that ... black itself is text." So that fits with your own veiled unveiling into letters. Happy to hear that analytic melodrama is spectacular in its own dry way. Ship of fools sailing the desert of reason to another thisworld! You are ever in my seeingly blind and most bewildered thoughts. Hopeless, N N, by sheer coincidence we ended up living 2 min away from Slime Heart. Today we walked home together, had dinner and talked about NYC, AM.. ..and he talked a bit about you, I was very happy, smiling maybe too much... Mi-e foarte dor de tine... Kiss-mist, A Bird almost in melo-analytic dream-land in the search for the fool that she is. Mad as the world.. Noapte buna! Îmbrățișări, A Sounds lovely. There was a lovely storm here tonight which broke the oppressive humidity. On the roof we saw sunset, rainbow, lightning ... blue sky, storm clouds all at once! Flying ever further with you and all saintly companions into al di la! With golden love, N 61

A…N How nice it would be to just take a little walk together and talk about nothing. Truly this world is no home for the soul. Abbracci, N N, you are speaking my words, precisely my wish, I project you near me all the time. Today I talked more to R___, I guess there is a.. .. an interesting connection, like a similar drive of imagination.. I miss you so much, what do you think about skyping soon? Kisses Joy! Today is another day of acceleration, acceleration of acceleration itself. I will shortly send you my wobbly dervish beginning of DWL.. ...followed by a mad-sublime video, now uploading to youtube, which I made simultaneously with conclusion of first vision. And yes to skyping soon. In total indefatigable and indescribably precious friendship-love with A, N p.s. wanna hear more, in due time, about conversations with our Hrundi! ;-) DWL received, hyperjoyous about this, I am so impatient ! I will go now for dinner with the friends you are staying at, will get back.. .. very soon. Many many embraces, A Festina lente (in perfect hopeless haste of the heart). Buon appetito! 62

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 video (under/above ground Berlin!): http://youtu.be/SBlF_-3C0pA plz share w/ Hrundi & Slime if possible as the first first told me about the film at chez moi and there the second first heard the vid idea N, I can't see the video because of some stupid German copyright problems. Very curious! Hrundi has left but I will share it with Slime ;) Perhaps I will find another way to share. Not crucial--just more crucifxion in the form of Scorpions song played over Possession movie. ;-) We are staying at our Brazilian friend T_____ who married N______ - we know him from Paf. So I hear your name all the time... je est un autre ;-) Lots of coincidences here - Lucca Fraser knew about some obscure Ro analytic philosopher I discovered, who has worked on contradiction... So I charmed the analytic people despite my great ignorance in the field - a propos see the video I retweeted from Mackay (masterpiece!) And tomorrow D_____ will speak, finally Amazonia, de Castro and Lispector! I will write to you about it ;) Slime says she convinced her to organize a conference on Lispector in NYC - you will have to report on this one... 63

A…N Yes, I saw the Hitler video this morning. Very good. Still he steals the show! Great. We talked about his idea for that when he was here. Glad it is flowering. I have so many things to tell you and, as you say, my greatest wish is to walk beside you talking about nothing.... All or nothing .. all & nothing! I feel something is again happening to me, my thinking seems so affectable that soon I won't recognize it. dead+dead+dead in a stronger way Thinking is not ours (I think). Its task is only to see (thinking). Hail death of death of death! cf. A's thought is the thought of thought Of course it is not ours. That is why it reacts violently to the environment. Nothing reducible to anything else, infinite alien recursions. And precisely why never to identify with thoughts (so hard!), live in silence between them, forever escape the 'injurious level' of chatter Impossible to live with them, one needs rest from horror-thinking. Self-sufficiency. Trapped in escape, escaping in traps. Without a word. Closing the diptych of duality on itself... 64

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Silence is when you leave the trap trap itself, the escape escape itself and the thought think itself. Recursion paradise. silent accelerationism? N____A, now I hate the fact that because we are in different "professional" worlds there is so little hope to spend more time together... Although we are together more than we can ever know... I will return to reading, I have to finish a text for tomorrow. Ever yours... Crystal kiss, A N, what you wrote is beautiful, I could not not read immediately. I will eat you+I properly in the next days. Leaping, A All in good time. I am swamped with other work now too, co-editing TD volume etc. Wishing you a marvelous day in recursive paradise! Yours N N_____aa... Thought thinks of you. Kisses Thinking stops in its jungle tracks and genuflects before A ... N Dear, dear N, I started to put into motion the Bezna undercurrent and involved D_____ & B____ in the anonymous book of philosopherdreams... Again NYC, I don't know what happens but it does. We really should make this book! H______ 65

A…N wrote, I was so happy! Embraces, embraces A collaborative dream-book, nice! Not sure who B____ is. But it is good to be in the dark. ;-) Abbracci newyorkesi, N B____ is D____’s partner. But you will be part of it - it's our secret idea, another sweet thread of our A. Just that it make sense to... .. make it collective. You are always in my thoughts and behind them - where I most often stay hidden. Always yours, A I see H is on Twitter now. Hope all is well there... It's perfect to be totally honest, she seems great and incredibly courageous. Kisses Yep, all this tweeting got her interested! All is indeed well here. Happy to sense yet another new thread of A. Sounds like the black box... is producing fermentation, creative decay after all. Ever floating with A at once here and there, in nothing and everything, ;-) Hmm, I have to say I feel a bit weird about it, but I don't care how I feel. I want her to be happy. I've also replied to her email! I feel guilty, especially realizing she read Autophagiography - F_____ hasn't read it yet. I don't know how I would react if I were her... 66

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I would suffer infinitely. And I cannot not empathize with her. I admire H a lot, her love for you is so great. I know you know... Well life is weird and would be weirder of it weren't! I hope F likes A too! More to follow after errands. Love N Feeling sad but too tired to feel the full range of pain awaiting for me. I deserve it. Happy errands... Sadness comes and goes. Holding hands remains! Yours in the crypt (of paradise), N I will fall asleep soon... Holding hands... Hopeless... With love, L'uccello... ps: it's one of the days of torment... But I will exit this world and reach the dark jungle of dreamland, heart of pupil-darkness. Kiss I have felt strangely like a living corpse all day today, not sad or happy, just kind of oddly inexistent--desert being. To al di la! Your N And yes let's talk via skype soon when possible, perform another simultaneous beheading. Buna dimineata! With love N Moment of waking: mind's eye photo-flashes with image that speaks a clear question, 'So, you will enter the paradise of never having been?' Bună dimineața! I dreamt that we were lying next to each other, talking, I told you that we have no chance. You - calm as usual - ... 67

A…N ... answered that we do, we just need to be silent. Then we were both shaken by a spasm (of impossibility) and I woke.. Yes, I want to Skype (imminent beheading). Sunday we have the whole day off, we could do it then... Mi-e foarte dor... So similar! And of course I am saying yes to the question that posed me awake, to the force of its truth. Bună dimineața! Invitation ... to a beheading. Sunday might work. Will let you know. Open embraces, N All channels open! Kiss, A Absolutely, hopelessly and helplessly open. Speaking of which, shall I ask gnOme to add A to googlebooks? Preview is already on amazon ;-) Also curious, what time did you have that dream this morning? I think it was at 5:55 that the spasm woke me... ;) So an hour before I woke, not the same time by the clock, but not not the same moment perhaps. Maybe silly to think about, yet striking... I had to immediately write it to remember how a image could speak, cf. Dante's visibile parlare etc. and dwl idea. Anyway, the maze amazes! 68

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 A on googlebooks, intensification of embarrassment... Whatever, I am ready and afraid! Embraces "He who holds back anything in his heart / Cannot attain to the full growth of love. / One must dare to fight all love with love / If Love.. ...is to be contented ... He needs to give himself up completely in Love / And live far from all joys, / And seek support in no emotional... pleasure, / And continually search for what is never to be had" (Hadewijch). Beautiful beautiful, the demand of love is to approach it with love beyond pleasure. A... N in silent acceleration... Faster! From lightspeed to infinity in 0 seconds. N trusts A also had a hyperspeedy day in this swiftest & most demanding sphere. Ever... N, it's torturous, I'll explain, hopefully we can Skype tomorrow. Doom of doom of doom of doom... Kisses Something happens and I don't know what. Spent this evening talking about PhDs, NY, N... , Eugene etc. Trembling, ...A Sounds catastrophic. I hope all is still well! We can of course skype tomorrow. Will let you know what time is best in the am. Abbracci N 69

A…N Sending love and strongest wishes for happiness despite whatever difficulties arise. Yours N All is well. Thought-omnipotence and insideswooning. Incredibly intense. Surviving, surdying. Hopeless, A Always holding with you the hand of truth, overand out-living all in new life ... N N, I will eat myself to become you. 7.30 am my time is good for Skype, so that's 1.30 your time I think? Noapte buna! See you in the morning! N Great, great, see you then! You are incredible, so early awake every day. Sweetest dreams.. With you in the paradise of never-having-been, A Bună dimineața! I'm with Slime Heart having coffee, he says hello ;) it seems we are all having lunch with D____ and I don't know if I... .. can be home at 13:30 but I will do all my best... I so much want to be silent with you, talk or laugh, cry, whatever happens. Kiss Ok, I am here into the afternoon. Talk to you soon!;-) Say ciao to everyone for me. Good morning hugs, N Perfect, then we can also speak later, or at least not fix it at 13 30. Already feeling hyperjoy. Morning-hugs! A 70

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 How's it going? Lemme know when you can skype. ;-) H and I have to do some errands soon, then out to climbing gym, so I should be back by 12..30/6.30 if you can still skype! Embraces N A's word-cloud from googlebooks! Woot! Back home, gonna stay inside a few more hours so lemme know if you're up for skyskyping ;) How about 4.30/10.30 this evening? Otherwise tomorrow am is good. Sooner or later! ;-) I guess I'll be out at 10:30, but I'm not yet sure, there are plans to meet D____ & B__ in the evening. And tomorrow the school starts again I really wanted to talk but I am used to submerging myself into the neutral state, eating the vapid whiteness of everything... ... to become what I is: nothing. Ok, we shall play all plans by ear, fast on the feast of full nothingness until we find time for a break! ;-) ps: the cloud of the uttered is amazing but the one of the unuttered is appalling as the coming true of true wishes ever is 71

A…N maybe in NYC we could also do a live reading of the whole text at some literary dive sighs that puncture the sphere of nothingness to make it what it is (and is not)... a non-smooth continuum Spoken like a true rationalist! You are forgiven. ;-) I would love to do it... N,, I am tortured, all the more now that we won't talk anymore... But this will bring more joy, won't it? Of course we will talk more! What are you talking about? And yes more joy cosmically cooking as we speak. I only hang around with people living in Horrorloveopolis, don't understand how it all happened. Wanted to talk about AM and Lispector conf. I am just a bit sad that we couldn't find some time to speak... But I want to want nothing. I guess it's the punishment for the "enabling alienation" of this rationalism-dive Busy days. Lemme know if you are free anytime tonight despite ping out. Otherwise hopefully soon! My schedule is open. 'Going' out... 72

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Ok, I will... And count me in on the CL conference please! and ET too if may speak for him. Of course, I guess you will be asked to organize it. I just wanted to put you both in contact with D____, I am a total outsider, sadly... As there is no possibility to get involved if you're outside academia I guess - I won't talk again about the PhD, you know what I mean... I just want to hold hands in the middle of this hopelessness... It's been so sad to notice that however well I try to hide it something in me wants to be closer to you... Hence all sorts of weird plans... This Lispector event would be just one of so many things that could be done together... I am so horrified by whatever desire I feel... Always holding hands. An of course you could present at conference. Out now. Talk later! Love n I will stop the melodrama now while reaching for the hand of my most special, closest friend ps: to defend myself against any rationalist accusation: Zalamea is obsessed with Lispector, D____ says he is a mystical mathematician... 73

A…N I get that feeling whenever someone recommends Z to me, like he is someone who properly sees-feels reason as threshold of real intelligence fyi: copy of A now setting out on on pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela. With you, N Oh, but I don't necessarily recommend Zalamea, I've read just a bit bit and the book I'm interested in is only in Spanish... Ok, I promise not to read until you do! ;-) I will tell you about it after I properly read... I am still at home so we can speak in 30 min. Is it still ok for you? x Ha, read first, I definitely have to start with Peirce. I need to imprison myself to read everything I plan. With you in the eternal cell, A 4.30 is good! We are here and H______ says she is feeling a little shy after the email she wrote you today. Embraces, N Nono, I will reply soon, very happy to be in touch with her. To be honest I am ashamed of myself and I admire her greatly! If you are shy too H is stepping out at 6/12. ;-) As you wish, I don't think we are going out anymore, at least I have no intention whatsoever... Let's talk then... 74

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 See you at 6/12, I will probably fall asleep talking to you - which is perfect. ;) Super! See you then. And H says please forget about shame. Abbracci, N Transoceaninc, metatemporal, and hyperspatial embraces from N to A. Resting with you now and forever. Found and lost ... Sogni d'oro! Now beset by terrible confident need to become capable of saying everything through everythingzero. Telepathy is too slow! Total embraces N ...you with whom abstraction is too literal, hyperbole deficient...your long lost friend in joysorrow of being (temporarily) human. Love N ps drowning in banquet of crystal sighs, killing all words in each breath, bla bla silence bewilderment, with apologies on behalf of God! We mirror an artificial ocean - so neutral, so silent and vapid. We lose ourselves into one, into the deep-white, perfectly serene maelstrom I peacefully kiss your syllables before you can speak them. Tonight I saw you as ancient beyond belief, greener than black universe, arche fossil of your own infinite future, smiling beyond all mouth 75

A…N Stillness faster than speed. Good night recursive kiss Good night sweetness (desert served by Francis & Clare)... abandon all atonal syllables (ventriloquised from behind thought) to the devouring vacuum-kiss. And I kiss only the kiss. So absolutely happy that we connected again to our in-eXistenz! And that you now know how I am trolling myself... I know. Unable to speak. My head is a little capra awaiting sacrifice decapitation, without being able to know what is happening. One day we will find the secret ( )holes in which to insert our single umbilical cord, leaving the game to play itself in infinite recursion Definitely, it is what we aim for, aimlessly. Letting everything perform itself recursively while we are (I wanted to say the function)... ... so abstractly inhabiting all forms of one, the same but noncoincidental, almost almost almost almost almost... I know it sounds like nonsense but it seems to me the more "rationalist" I become, the stronger I love you 76

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Absolution - I am invoking the first SC rule! We No nonsense at all...threshold mathematics regurgitating nothingness of you-i across mesh of pure gender.. see Eros as Cosmic Sorrow That's what the ellipses are for, "Never [not say...]" in SC rules. Absolution of the absolute rule! Always always your friend whatever decision decides, whatever life lives. Real real embraces Now and at the at the end, I like-wise fall back forever upon falling into friend-loveship with you, whatever may come. Drinking our heart.. Ha, ever astonished by the way you already feel what I am not even sure how to put into words... At the fountainhead... Drinking the drinking... Let's drink our rivers of dreams and float upstream to the magnetic source of our one-heart. Totally non-Euclidian. Good night, vise plăcute, o să fim împreună în Paradis... Let's! In paradise with A N Good morning A! I hope you found some rest last night, despite all the restlessness. Embraces. Today I want to write another vision... 77

A…N "I Am a Man ... Wife of Augustine." Happy rationalism-izing! Abyss-Wink N 21h Dear N, I slept a few hours but I seem to have some hidden energy resources (certainly related to our beheading yesterday)... Happy, floating among theorems and paradoxes... With N... Kiss So happy you are happy so I become happier dragging you into utmost happiness. Today I drill the ocean floor to find you deeper within me;-) Telepathy, here they talked about getting rid of fixed points (paradoxes) in a truth space, a bit like poking a hole in the ocean floor ;) Burrownavigation, escaping without exit, anchorite drilling... Forgive the "rationalist" approach, I find it funny to send signals from this mad environment... With love, A Love channels all signals! Speaking of which, see last tweet for video captioned by Angela of F (potential Berlin bypass heart surgery) And re: rationalist environment, I love being there without having to be whatsoever. ;-) Just got home, I skipped last 20 min of rationalism and spent the evening with Irina ;) Headlessly yours, A 78

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Still cannot see the video, I am very curious. N, it was so nice yesterday with you.. In the escapetrap as usual, A Sounds nice. Say hello to Impeccabilis for me! And take for yourself each blood-grape growing A-ward from my severed head. Ever, N The video is a trifle, melodramatic whim, you can see later. It was so nice to talk and wink with you. Freely trapped beyond belief... ...treading lightly upon the water of the ocean in which we drown... I will say hello! She has just ruined all hope, all hopelessness anticipating my doom... My headless heading N-ward... Tell her what you have eternally known: that hope is always already ruined in this paradise of doom. ;-) Did she get her copy of Cantos? Actually the video is terrible beautiful profound (over the top AM). I just said that because you couldn't see it. But it is still a trifle! Sinking while daydreaming.The ocean steps on N/A, it Negates itself, it Affirms.. Noapte buna. Kiss 79

A…N Actually I fell asleep right in the middle of the previous msg. Dreamed smth really abstract having to do with a swamp and the Amazon... Missing you terribly... I will hold hands and let my day die again. Ever yours, A Would write more if I could. A domani! Always, N The corpse of me has sunk to the groundless sea ground, hopefully not too deep for the fishes of your daydreams to devour whatever remains. Coming back to life again ... It is beautiful down here ... Don't stop dreaming! I had a beautiful moment here secretly sleeping on the floor behind a curtain in the lecture room with Katrina, finally coming back into... .. my body. Never stopping predating you from behind thought, silent-catastrophic daydreaming. Softly jumping on ellipses ... Nward I see it, there is so very little of me left ... Armless embraces, N People talking about you at the table right now, they were really positively disturbed - mad Twitter feed ;) You are more than here. Kiss 80

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 N, I miss you more and more... I want this rationalism to end, I am so eager to write for our Dwl... Strongest embraces, A Can I be melodramatic and ask something? I guess you are not there to answer... ;) Q: Did melodrama happen between you and E___ as well? Or does it happen? The answer really kills the inquirer I guess... I am sinking into self-oblivion glimpsing the spark of the dagger-answer. I am letting my day be stabbed first. Somn ușor! No melodrama whatsoever between me and E___! She is just rather consumed with my writings as you can see from her texts and fb activity... I will write more tomorrow. Ever and always your most unique loving friend! Embraces, N Buon giorno A__N_! Buna dimineața, N____A! Happy that you answered the Q... It's nice that she is so much into your work! I just saw her Twitter account and didn't understand... ;) Now B_______ is speaking about plots, plotting... 81

A…N I'd like to hear about 'how' to plot beyond plan, about the art of planless plots. Obviously cosmism sinks under escape plan. ;-) more later The more you plan the more you enforce a plot which is not necessarily in the interest of plan.. In a way plot gets rid of plan. Kiss Hear they talk about the simulation of teleology the ghostliness of every plan I would say... "The development of the fictional world as that of the real world", smth like this... I love the fact that you are so here! Baci My guess is that François Jullien mentioned here by B_______ is talking about the entanglement of planlessness and plot... A spontaneous kiss on the cheek of the grand plot, a sudden wink in the eye of the planless plan ... Just sent longer SC email. Embraces! ;-) N from TG's fb page today, with caption "first page opened of Autophagiography." Bless the diptych's hinges! Osculum.. Who is TG? Joyous to read your email. I am always your friend, never play any other game than the one that is playing us... 82

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 This evening we have trivialized the whole acceleration, I wish you were here. People are talking about you - have you met Lucca before? T_____ G________, a friend of Slime Heart. Can't imagine what there is to say about N, have not met L____, wish I could be at the table too! ;-) I so much enjoy talking to you without talking... I think with you and I am eating both. Strongest embraces, A A contiNuAl feast! Ps: I think this cosmic autophagia is becoming absolutely sticky, it has gathered a lot around it... Looking forward to working on it! ...that which glues the void to itself, sweetest self-binding of what is beyond law... N, I just got home, totally tired after discussions and hanging around. Missing you so much. Good night kiss piercing all cheek-plots ;) Always your loving friend, always near, A Thanks for the beautiful email, forgive me for that disturbing question. I'm happy for whatever makes you happy. Tomorrow I'm free till 14! 83

A…N At least there is sleep to save us from all our blabbermouthery! Mixing potions of sweet dreams... And don't worry the question was not disturbing in the slightest to this paradise. A domani! Ever, N More more amorphous embraces, A And more and more and still yet more! Resting with you in loving freedom from everything, N Bună dimineața! Hope you have a marvelous morning, my thoughts are with you... Kiss, A I had a quiet nice morning, I needed rest, now finding myself in a state of bare intellectual activity, too-much-to-read.. Good morning marvelous one! Lovely quiet morning here too, esp as I am keeping silence today in tune with http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silence_Day … ... I am ever spiraling with you in the sanely mad sweet mystery of A/N, now more than ever! Baci e abbracci, N And just as I write see what the postman brings: Wow ours must indeed be a magic book because I open at random (sortes autophagiographicae) and my finger finds: "As MB said in silence: ... 84

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I never make plans ... You really want to get tears out of me tonight, digging into my wounds" (p.102). Wounded in silence, n I want to meet you in the deepest wound of A...N from where springs our most silent autophagous thought. With love, L'uccello The only mind I know lays down in this wish, already-ever allowing itself to be peeled away by the sweet liquid cut, our tongue of silence.. N, it was an intense day today, you would have liked it if you had been here. And you were! I wish to sky-skype soon! Will have to read...I ... some Sellars to prepare for Ray B. tomorrow (Sellers would be better:). I do it with you to alienate both not from each other but into.. .. each other. Total autophagia! Following the kiss-plot, A Ps: everything in sweet silence. In hyper-sweet silence... A domani, N Ps hope you enjoy Ray's lecture, which will perhaps be similar to his lecture on Sellars a few years ago? He is master at making the simple complex I think, like conceptual tea ceremony lost and found in its own vocabulary. I think he is using Sellars to reinvent premodern ... 85

A…N phantasmology (unintentionally?). Another recommendation: Agamben's Stanzas. Misterious abbracci, N Bună dimineața! I guess it would be much better if you were here, I am a total Sellars-ignorant, whatever I know is from Nihil U... Missing you while you are closer than I - nearer than nearness. Kisses Good morning A! I am sure RB will explain everything (ignotum per ignotius!) whereas N only simplifies everything into silly-sorrowful jokes Hope you have a magical day. Always somewhere with you in the cascade of eternal time, N I want N silly-sorrowful jokes, Sellars through Sellers, Jumblese through more Jumblese... Wish to Skype soon! Baci I need to take up philosophy more seriously which sounds horrifying, I know... Ray lost us many times, got the general dynamics though.. For you are she "who at the supreme moment, in front of absolute nothingness, will laugh" (EMC). I can skype early afternoon... Another video you likely cannot see (A's Phenomena meets Bowie's Fill Your Heart in the freedom of beheading): http://youtu.be/RmJXRqkEgjI ;-) 86

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 So incredibly dear N, I am back home, Ray's lecture was totally disenchanting, no hope to want to 'navigate the space of reason' in this way I don't know what happened but today I felt at some point that I completely stopped thinking. You were right about making Sellars complex.. but also complicated.. Anyway all that was interesting was lost for several 'reasons'. And we had #alternav escalation! I miss you so much.. Ha, Phenomenaaaa ;) Sounds like a proper thought-circus. Time to rest and fly to the next level! Headless embraces...N Thank you so much for this, the timing was absolutely perfect.I love Phenomena! I give up my head right now and embrace you unreasonably... For the unreasonable is also intelligent, sprouting other heads. A little song by which to celebrate escape of reason's navigation then ;-) I felt how you were throwing that Baroness quote at me today... ;) Moi? The gnomes only throw at everyone I am sure. It's like the Franciscans vs Dominicans all over again! But I did remember reading it together in Bucharest at some point. ;-) 87

A…N I don't know why but it seems to be smth you would say to me... I just want to lie next to you, talk about nothing, have you laugh at me... To all of us! And yes, let's lie down and burn under a ceiling of laughter! Must go now to get H who had minor foot surgery today. Love N Indeed! Hope she's feeling well, my warmest thoughts to you both (not rational, it's a mot a mot translation from Ro)! Love, A All is well. She was struck by the CL lightning bolt as part of the experience! Baci & abbracci... Bună dimineața! One of those mornings of absolute hopelessness... Embraces, A Good morning A__N_! I was just about to tweet 'the absolute insufficiency of all things' and then found your mirroring message. With you, N I woke up, realized the ocean is still there, could not find you... I just want to hold your hand... Yesterday it was horrible to hear the "conclusions" of the summer school, to see what kind of intelligence is being promoted... The human world, mind, is so obviously ill in all directions. At least we have joyous pessimism to fall back on, pain of happy hopelessness. 88

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Really it is a joy to see how hellishly lost things are, to be free of expectations and stand within immediate present experience... rather than wanting something to 'do it for you' like everyone else. And yes, there is the ocean there, to be crossed one way or another by the heart...Hopeless! the ocean of everything I wish I could be totally free of expectations as you describe, it seems I can just live this outwardly. Thought-circus is an... ... expectation-machine. Maybe indeed Ray's lecture (though I disliked it in many ways) was the best as it produced this absolute... disenchantment, no expectations possible anymore... I don't even live in the present... I know how you feel and like you stand only in the plunge. the leap, the fall, But I will not go down without going all the way down...;-) Ha, all the way down... to the tardigrades and anemonae... Crystal kiss, A All the way...we will have to have a DWL vision about the sea ground, the oh so safe and highest pressured depth. Continually indescribable myriad incremental vertical-abyssic shifts in the very tenor and color of life, blips in the total ground......... 89

A…N I cannot believe you made the tear public... Appalling! Hiding in absolute transparency, A Appallingly clear secret. A hazard of waking too early! None can imagine what it is unless they already know. Your open source, N One could develop a whole imaginal language of crypto-tears, remixed sighs...;-) Unless you are F_____... ;) But I am totally silent, I just leave hypotheses flow... Plus the circumstances are the most important, so secret keeps itself... Crypt(o)cry Let all who have eyes see! All secrets are already known by those who know (not) how to keep them (reveal-reveil). Tales from the crypt... Sounds like basis for Ligottian auto-detective mystical horror story. Cf art project "Topography of Tears". Sudden marvelous joy that the joke is eternally on A/N and theirs the hypershare of the sublime laughter. Seriously yours, N Seed of another DWL vision today: "X Holds Her, She of Him..." Wishing you two safe travels to the castle. Appalling abbracci, N N, N, N, N, I just got home, no party just discussions, I will have to write a longer email... 90

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I was and am always with you,.. As I am with you! Write talk silence soon. Noapte buna! ... although I didn't have the time to write anymore from this rationalist storm. I miss a lot our feeling-eating each other through writing I need to write more than just tweets about it... Baci e abbracci, always with N, A Falling falling asleep while writing to H... Sogni d'oro! With you in the sigh-bubble, A The trouble with not beginning with the beginning of a book. Sunday morning chewing N to the point of self-chewing. Miracle! Bună dimineața! Happy to be 'free' from 'emancipation', I love our prison. Eating you thoroughly. We are anticipating each other, leaping each other leaps. Welcome back to prison, to the freedom-cell, "cella del vero cognoscimento di te" (Catherine of Siena). With embraces like floating walls, N On the two-in-one cell. ;-) Just now remembered that yesterday I dreamt of air-sculpting A's wings, feeding her gems! Wonderful dream! "Around him the bright winds were like the open jaws of a crystal bird, the light flashing between its teeth... " JG B 91

A…N The passage is incredible, I like the superimposed two cells, world-shifting. On the road in Berlin, thinking with, of you, A Tomorrow we finally arrive back in Solitude, I need it so much. We'll rest-leap in sweetest cell, thought-touching-thought inbetween worlds Wishing swift motionless travel and restful arrival into the next blissful leap. Ever foundlost with A despite all and nothing...N Oh, thanks, I love trains, it's perfect for reading, writing down ideas. We could skype the day after tomorrow. Always near, kisses... Here everybody is crazy with the world cup, maybe a good moment to hide.. It feels strange to talk to H at the same time. She's very.. ..nice. "What happens" is disconnected from any understanding. Bird flying in and out of form, to heights unknown, measure of xeno-metrics.. World is crazy strangeness itself. Where to hide but inside the heart-cave which touches everything? Understanding follows not abandoning... I have to say that the situation becomes overwhelming, I feel like I want to run away from everything... And I strongly oppose. unknowing. 92

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 I am vetoing myself all the time and find silence in the blind certainty that there is no self to veto. I am so discrete, continuous only in retrospect. The blind certainty indeed! I rest in there being nothing to be done, and everything without doing. But I don't want only to mystically ... riddle with you esp if there is any confusion about the 'situation' so yes let's talk soon Tears dry before being shed, words vanish scared by the prospect of utterance. I hide in me a room full of emptiness. Emptiness in excess. It's so painful to be confused and I am eating my pain with passion, I devour every bit of confusion, I am more fuzzy than confusion itself. I feel more and more like that *toy* that forgot its rules for play... Now that I dropped the curtain of reason I am hyperexposed... ... , an intricate sieve dispersing the soulstorm into deep grey air... I am happy for you in anticipation of however the situation would let itself be dramatized. Always your friend, taking all necessary cuts, A Hyperexposed to the vast ruleless distance embracing all toys (I am). Always, N Has MC (xenopraxis) spoken to you about Tuning Speculation event by any chance? Just 93

A…N wondering given his tweet and it being week after AM Jul 13 I know it happens in Toronto, Lendl is going and wants to come to NY for AM before. I don't know M___, just Twitter-empathy.. Are you going? Ps: Marc.. So yes, another reason for PhD ;) I said no this morning to the invitation, not wanting to have to write another paper near AM. But it sounded confusingly interesting.. Glad that L____ might come down to NYC too! ;-) Say yes! It will be really interesting! Can't you change your mind? Bird's advice: go for it! Yes I can change my mind. Why do think I should go? (apart from general fun of thoughtcircus) Intuition plus Amy told me how MC organized a conference in a sound studio, absolutely nonacademic, less template-thought-circus... Would the saints want to join and drive up from NYC? This R___ group is lost, they are only looking for baby-slaves, sorry to say this... I will tell you on Skype. Best part: we have plans... 94

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Jul 13 Also weird b/c I just woke from a wild dream about discovering another dimension with MC and then saw his tweet upon waking. Bla dream bla .. we are planning more things with D____ & B____ which is great, incl Lispector, I was happy that it came from them.. You have to meet them I would love to I just don't know how to organize it... F cannot come. But Irina would probably. We are absolutely dreaming! I had an intense conversation with L____ yesterday, he keeps mentioning MC. It's funny that he reacted, I think it's mutual sympathy! If saints can come or not my intuition tells me to encourage you to go. Coincidence intensifiers at work ;) Ok, intuition taken seriously! (despite being clueless about it). Looking forward to meeting D & B and the developing lispect-ive on Clarice I'm also totally clueless about it, I just worriless told you whatever signals I got. It seems we have many saintly adventures ahead ;) Indeed, many adventures already underway! Can you skype Wed.? We are preoccupied reorganizing our house til then, clearing out old books etc 95

A…N Totally! (this is language-virus from D&B) Wednesday is perfect. Heedlessly embracing Capra... Super. In the sheer leap of it all...into the sea between tear and saint...N Jul 13 I sent H the email. Maybe you should read it as well. Stoic melodrama unfolding. Kiss Bună dimineața! I am taking infinite pleasure in devouring you again and again. Here is a fragment from Poto&Cabengo by Jean Pierre Gorin.. ... a propos our cell and invented cryptolanguage, it's one of Bureau's foundational references: http://youtu.be/t-ITWpozN9k Kisses Good morning! Thank you for the crystal email. It is our blessing to see eye to eye, to be on the same page! Abbracci e baci, N I am blindly walking on the thin trembling line between not-indulge and not-repress: exaggerated unbalanced balance Idioglossia ... telepathic question marks meaning everything ... funambulism of the EYE ...neither oneself nor someone else ... entwinned;-) Dear, I am going to the railway station now, so happy that we are skyping soon. Idiorrythmically yours, A 96

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Happy travels! Adolescent echoes of Kraftwerk now play in mind. Talk soon. Evergreen embraces, N Arrived back in the evergreen embrace. Kraftwerk ha! Or Daf - Liebe auf den ersten Blick. Avian kiss Super. The arrow, unmoving, finds its mark! Wink-kiss-sigh-prayer, N This Toronto idea is so doomed because it introduces yet another impossible scenario. I have some weird visions around it, a lot of... dreams I cannot remember, but I feel their inflections. I realized today I dreamt about getting married, ultimate commitment... Have you said smth to MC? Just now he shared with us a gdrive with his texts and diagrams. Coincidence intensifiers at work ;) I told E_______ not to count me out. Thoughts about sound and medieval concept of speculation are percolating, which could also go into... black metal theory book to be complied for Mimesis later this year, so not extra labor so to speak. So yes I am planning to go...;-) Cool! I am happy for you! ;) 97

A…N I imagine it will be three days of pure clueless bewilderment, prismatic sonic thought-circus prison. & if saints could make it too that would of course magnify the adventure. But I am sure NY will already be plenty, so maybe less is more,;-) F cannot come and anyway it's impossible with the tickets. So you'll probably get the wished less. MC seems to insist that I/we send smth. N____A, you are so stoic, it is astonishing, I feel I have always been a bit behind in this respect. The more it hurts the stronger I get. That marriage dream really scared me retrospectively, so obsessed I became with commitments. Strange Brandomian intoxication. Plot twist. You can tell me about it on Wednesday. Not my wish for less, just blabbing in terms of practicality. The more the merrier! Practicality. I want to run right now in the forest and scream this word! The trees will shiver with horror-joy... Pan-ic. Practicality-syndrome gets me out of the supersanitary rationalist cage. I prefer to stay with the fear that I may absolutely fail. 98

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 ...the fall into terror of love-cataclysmic noweternity where everything is happening at once and nothing ever has or will ever happen... .. to be continued "In Dreams". Sandman takes us to the desert of reason, then drowns us in the hyperoxygen of love as if nothing happened. Noapte buna! Yours, a bird uncaged Sweetest dreams! fly fly fly .... Buna dimineata! Just wrote an email. I am holding the 5 A's... Marvelous... Thank you so much! Baci & abbracci Good morning! Glad that the 5 As have flown home. I wonder if the corrections made it in? ('joyjul' [joy-jewel] or 'joyful' on p.1?) ... I will devour your feast-email at next opportunity amid general busyness. Ever in the middle of the very real and true dream (p. 70), N Joy-jewel is there, but it's wonderful anyway. Looking forward to speaking to you - although forward looking is dangerous. Devouring embrace I sent you more food. I apologize for my rather foggy thoughts or maybe bluntly clear, I don't even know. I feel so exhausted after Berlin.. Everything seems so unreal, I cannot locate you, N is now remote and dissipated. I am wonder how you feel. To take your perspective... 99

A…N ...I have to devour you. Hopelessly yours, A Never remote (only engaged with other matters today). Abbracci!!! N Oh, I was rolling in the loop of the abyss. I also neglected my body in Berlin so I have some strange pains again, maybe this is... ... also contributing to this gloomy day. Thanks for replying. Îmbrățișări! Praying to all saints and the hidden One that all of A's strange pains vanish! A domani, N have to say I am really scared about this, it doesn't look good. Anyway stoicism on all sides, and prayer. Sweetest dreams! I am thinking of you and asking Love to bring healing rest. Sorry that I told you this... I am also thinking of you and will do everything to be well. Strongest embraces, A Bună dimineața! Tell me if/when you want to skype. Thinking of you and feeling better (rationalist lifestyle didn't work for me). Kiss, A Glad you are feeling better. ;-) How about 9/3 ? Buna dimineata! I slept longer than usual, cut the coffee, did a long session of healing practice and indulged in sweet N-thoughts ;) 9/3 is perfect! te pup 100

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Super! Talk to you at 9. Always, N____A So happy to read from SuD! I indulged in procrastination and used some time to dive into N-thought, it's marvelous to eat each other! It makes me so aware of the inevitability of our spiral of impossibility: the best worst! It makes me happy that you are breathing life into my broken-record words ;-) Just sent you a short short email with a Bezna question, it would be great if you could answer very briefly! A...N I will do asap! It was marvelous to speak again, despite the intensified distance-illusion. Hopeless and helpless, N How I wish we had some time to walk sidebyside, to talk without counting hours... In total abandonment of self and world, A Please read again the EEM-NM fragment, it has produced something strange in me... I wish to say something forbidden, but I double-forbid! I know (about walking) and open Hadewijch to this true passage... About EEM-NM, oh no, now I will probably reread my own words and produce something even stranger! Trapped again, N Passage re-read, which is now eating me for the first time, as if it is nothing but a 101

A…N terriblewonderful prophecy, total self-eating spice. vide https://twitter.com/german_sierra/status/4894 53848801845249/photo/1pic.twitter.com/rMd9 eZKgH6 Yes, even the alp is mentioned... A piece of writing traversed by the magic of contingency, appalling anticipation! Ever trapped, A Hadewijch seems marvelous... As the oracle that her writing is... A (lost point in space) She is an angel, clearest bittersweetest voice of inconsolable consolation on this lifeless path of life, the path of .... Nowhere, N N, it seems I have to make an effort to relate Lispector and autophagia with sound: thecallofthecalloftheeyeofthespeculativestorm The saintly sound of cracking joints! Disjointedly yours, A__N_ I will keep my eyes close to the wild heart and send you any links that come to mind. The paper you write will become your writing sample... for PhD application! I hope will all my soul that your joints are cracking w/o pain. J of Cross explains the phenomenon: it occurs when ... divine beloved has to *withdraw* from the soul of the lover in order not to destroy her with his presence, as in scene of Angela's scream 102

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 ..sound of disjointing, the voice of her secret. Indeed I also already wanted to talk about sound of body to itself You (cannot) know how happy I am, I could die in the next moment without caring about whatever I did not live. Neither dead nor Alive, A/N Marvelous! You can surely talk about this as well, it would be wonderful... It is so weird, I have felt precisely the loosening of joints,.. You know I know and yet cannot and that is also my joy! I have lost track of the times I have felt the same. Yours in the real freedom, N/A Re: sound in CL, vide PGH 96 (dry sounds of the vault), VA 20 and 83 esp (beyond the freedom!) ... while becoming much softer and more flexible than before. Telepathic, idiorrythmic, autophagous, impossible, auto-plagiariazing: A...N Great! I should send you annotations to SuD, it's incredible, you're going to laugh but MB's paradise only possible in the midst of life... Truly -- horribile/mirabile dictu -- this is paradise. ;-) ... is precisely the equivalent of rationalist 103

A…N "enabling constraints". Reason is their paradise, I guess, continuum, splace, as you say... That is secret of divine comedy, everything gets precisely what it really wants, the being it chooses to be, so that hell is no less heaven Just that their circus is hilarious and MB is laughing tremendously at them. If they could only make their circus explicit! speaking of autoplagiarism, this reminds me of an old poem … I so much miss you, hole bigger than the whole of my (non)self, I am more the air in my joints than anything else, loosened forever from "I" I miss you unspeakably too. Be brave and strong! Nothing is lost. The ( )hole universe is inside us. We are only taking a walk. Love, N Totally! Some mysticism teachers in Ploiesti were saying precisely this or rather that you get just the distance you want from God. i.e. God is not ob-ject, the infinite that never gets in anything's way, ergo invisibility. How polite! Bowstring tensed. Brave despite all dis-joints, NA joint stronger than itself. Taking the walk in hyperabundant silence. Love, A Drinking to/with A above the streets of this mad world...N 104

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Beautiful! We are swimming in circles in the glass above the city, in the blood-pool of love, abiding the red cells of our prison and... breathing through each other's mitochondria. Kiss We certainly are. If the universe knew one drop of this cell-pool it would instantly cease to exist (as it has). Aortic kisses...valve sighs Perhaps this is breaking a rule, maybe not, but I want to say (despite myself & without saying), that I aspire to be worthy of your love. N____A, this is what I was trying to say all along, that is precisely my aspiration, to be worthy of your love. Never ever will you be too.. .. serious for me. I will climb with you blindly. Beyond any hope of fulfillment. I just know this is what we must do. This a-spiration, this singular 2-in-1 breath, is the very endless climbing curvature of the spiral atop which we already are...For(n)ever N O so-astonishly-serious A, you have thus given me the highest gift, the gift that erases 'me' forever so that I will forever be with you Now I am happy that I confessed that stupid thought so you could unveil the grace hiding behind its sin. ;-) 105

A…N Telepathy. I wanted to express the same but found no way to compress it. A...peak that negates its heights to become what it already is...N One day we will have learned how to speak to each other. We are not yet capable of it. Cf the unsustainable dream of telepathic gazing in A How late it must be there. Sorry (and not) to maybe keep you up with all this inescapable wine-blood-truth. Noapte buna! N____A I wish it weren't always so, but I am mirroring both your sins and seriousness. Lacrimi și sfinți: perfect prelude to sleep. Sweetest dreams How else can the mirror know itself? Golden dreams.... Indeed... I will fall asleep holding your hand… Bună dimineața! Dismembered bird leaping for joy as she will translate the Cioran-sample and include it in Bezna, with a twist ;) Kiss Good morning! Sounds like a perfect intersection of sub-plots. Happy translating! Yours in the flight of scattered limbs, N Hadewijch on noble unfaith "Saintliness: to be beyond anything - though with love" Book of Delusions ;) 106

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Beautiful passage. The unfaith as remainder of restlessness, the fear-hole (holy fear) in the loveplot that takes consciousness to level 2 Appendix (River): Day-light burns wings of Noctuidæ Point where the fate-twist tying one in knots / Turns into a spiral piercing all dots. Just boarding in Budapest, we had a performance here with the Bureau. So, drops fully received Wow now so astonished by riverspeed that I must hold onto earthspin just to keep from falling in. Too close! Danube as Eastern European Amazon, watch out for the rapids We didn't realize, we could have met Yes obviously I was washed shore by one of the rapids long ago because otherwise I would not have missed the Budapest exchange. Coughing up Danube, choking on prayers... Today I was talking with I____ about NYU... I guess we lost hope of seeing each other so much so that we will meet by chance on the street and we will not recognize each other Well I had far too much hope, could think of nothing else writing myself over here, and now the weight of it, further and nearer than I could 107

A…N have imagined, is turning me to stone. But that is good, (no choice for it but to be good) a chance now to be more worn by the river into the sea, to stay forever by never having been, longer than ... Embraces In other words: ... eternally best-worst perfect justice of a prophecy that forever fulfills itself by never being spoken, twin auto-damnation of one heart too zealously timid to speak even a harmless desire + another perhaps too distracted by its own indifference to bother. But a wound needs care not critical analysis we know. And this wound is pure genius! A marvel greater than the greatest miracle cure. So now I will (in the name of the question of the will) go celebrate the river high above it with the one and only cure-all, a long lonely walk (to a Soviet war memorial). Wishing you a happy homecoming tonight to the city whose secret stars I adoringly curse and hold in most loving contempt for transmitting such maddening beauty to the world. Love, N Beautiful thoughts... Sending love diffracted by the indifference of distraction Anyway, since oblique expression seems not to be doing the trick, I was just trying to say without having to that the trip was a very painful and unexpected lesson, appalling inner humiliation, but one to which I know I must surrender in peace, swallow the bitter as the true sweet medicine. Even if you, the sun, were indeed oblivious or indifferent to the moth and had no intention of saving him from his folly but 108

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 only moved about the sky accidentally, the moth remains free and who knows maybe even correct in a hidden way to understand the burning off his wings as *her* high compassion! At any rate, at the end of the day I'd rather be a wingless moth who can still climb than a petrified moth with wings of stone...N p.s. by bizarre coincidence, soon after I sent the fable B____ messaged me with "Day-light burns wings of Noctuidæ..." ??! ... N Much love I am really ill, got so much worse Please don't interpret my silence in any other way The tumor is huge and I can hardly walk Embraces Love and embraces always A! A I just want you to know the obvious that you are always in my heart’s thought-feeling and that I plan on seeing you forever in this world or the next which is the same anyway! Thanks so much for saying it. It's such a difficult time but I am digging very deep and can still find peace and hope. The cancer has spread in the body, my lungs are affected... My life entered a different dimension these days. Now I am going to a healer here, and friends are searching for experimental programs, trials for people like me. There are now many Immunotherapy 109

A…N breakthroughs but it is so hard to access them. Funny enough we found a few in NY and we might ask for your help if necessary. Hope I get accepted and we still see each other in this world. Please pray for me! Praying always! and yes please let us know if we can help in any way Embraces ❤ I had a nice dream last night in which you were wearing blue and reclining in a bed with friends. I touched your hand to comfort you and you reached out to tickle my arm playfully. Embraces! So beautiful! Sounds like a healing dream... Many embraces And last I dreamt that I was giving a lecture on the topic of allegory and violence, and then I saw that Meher Baba was there, peeling a banana and handing it to someone. Then I got a text from you saying that you were going to “Ohio of Ohio”. Maybe meaningless maybe not but sending prayers and hugs either way always! Again scribbling to say what I trust you always know A____, that you are ever in my thoughts and prayers and secret heart-screams for THAT eternal joy which already is whether we see or not. N 110

Taking Us Beyond Ourselves … To Level 2 Hello A! I just had a dream in which you texted me a short message. 😉 My dear! I am thinking of you 😉 the picture you sent is beautiful, makes me dream... I am better, not worse, long, difficult process of cleaning my soul... So glad to hear that A!! [picture] BM at the tomb of MB Happy Birthday A!1 1 Friday, Feb 1, 2019—11:32 AM (NYC) 111

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